Building a Life You Love: Start with What You Don’t Want
- Lindi van Heerden
- Jun 2
- 3 min read
When we talk about building a meaningful, fulfilling life, most advice focuses on one question:“What do you want?”
It sounds straightforward, but for many young adults (and honestly, many adults), this question creates panic. What if I don’t know?What if I make the wrong choice?What if I choose something, but it’s not really me?
Here’s the truth I wish more people knew: You don’t always need to know what you want. Sometimes the clearest path forward comes from knowing what you don’t want.
Why ‘Don’t Want’ Is Easier Than ‘Want’
Our brains are wired to spot danger, discomfort, and dissatisfaction. It’s often easier to notice what feels wrong, draining, or out of alignment than to define what lights us up.
Think about it. It’s easier to say,
“I don’t want a career where I’m chained to a desk all day.”
“I don’t want to work in a toxic environment.”
“I don’t want to live in a place where I feel isolated.”
These are clues. Every rejection shapes a boundary, and within those boundaries, you start to uncover what matters.
My Own Journey: Saying No Before I Knew What to Say Yes To
When we moved to Dubai, I didn’t move because I had mapped out a flawless future. I moved because I knew I wanted something different. I didn’t want to stay stuck in the same environment. I didn’t want to keep wondering, what if there’s more out there?
When I became a lecturer, I wasn’t saying yes to a lifelong calling I had always known. I was saying no to the idea that I had to stick to only marketing and communications work. I wanted something where I could teach, contribute, connect. The yes revealed itself later.
These choices came not from certainty, but from a willingness to let go of what no longer fit.
The Power of Elimination: Clearing Space for What Matters
Think of life like a garden. Sometimes, before you can plant something beautiful, you have to pull the weeds.
By identifying what you don’t want, you start clearing space:
Space to explore.
Space to experiment.
Space to listen for new desires that couldn’t be heard over the noise.
You can’t always force clarity through forceful decision-making.But you can create an environment where clarity has room to emerge.
Deeper Insight: Don’t-Want Is a Form of Self-Trust
Saying no is not just about rejection. It’s a declaration: I trust myself to walk away from what drains me, even if I don’t know what comes next.
This is a radical act for young adults who have been raised in systems that reward compliance, achievement, and following the “right” path. It’s terrifying and liberating at the same time.
The people who build a life they love are not necessarily the ones who always knew what they wanted. They are the ones who were willing to walk away from what they didn’t.
Practical Steps to Apply This
✔ List your no’s: Write down five things you know you don’t want in your career, relationships, or lifestyle.
✔ Look for the patterns: What do these no’s reveal about your values? About what matters most to you?
✔ Create experiments: You don’t need to overhaul your life. Just try one small shift — drop one draining activity, set one new boundary, or test one new interest.
✔ Be patient with clarity: Remember, clarity is often something you recognise in hindsight. Keep moving. Keep adjusting.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to know exactly where you’re going to build a life you love. You just need the courage to start walking away from what doesn’t fit.
When you clear space, you make room for surprise, discovery, and joy.
So instead of asking yourself, “What do I want?”Try asking, “What am I no longer willing to accept?”
That question might change everything.
Take care,
Lindi
PS: If you want help identifying what’s no longer serving you and start designing your next steps, book a free 15-minute session with me. Let’s explore it together.
About Lindi van Heerden
Lindi van Heerden is a coach, mentor, and speaker passionate about helping young individuals navigate life’s big questions with courage and confidence. Through her Young and Purposeful – The Clarity Blueprint programme, she empowers young adults to break through self-doubt, take bold action, and create a life they love, even before they have it all figured out.
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